I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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