you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
