How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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