Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
