I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
