he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Randomize
