She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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