So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I intend to get homeless drunk
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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