Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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