my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
