We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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