During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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