Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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