PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
