I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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