after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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