I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
