The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is Oprah even human
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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