Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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