A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
