I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
