At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
