theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
