So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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