Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
