woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
