we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
