An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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