when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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