He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
