I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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