I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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