I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
