I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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