The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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