U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
