i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
