I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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