Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
