Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
