So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
