Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
