I can text with my tongue
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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