my mouth tastes like poor choices
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
