If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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