If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
