just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
