remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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