what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
