Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
