your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
