So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Randomize
