i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
