Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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