I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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