The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
