i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
