I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
