apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
