dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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