he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
