You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
