I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
