this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
