I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
