Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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