tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Couch. On fire.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize