hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You took a bar mat shot.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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