He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Randomize
