My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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